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Anonymous from the Philippines

In her own words...

"I am a female, 26 years old and single.  The youngest of six siblings.  I and my mother was the only member of jw. All my siblings I consider them as born in the org. After they left in their comfort zone and some were get married so I am the only one got baptised in the jw org. I decided to dedicate my life to that org when I was in my 3rd yr college . I forgot what are my reason that it took me so long to be baptised but as I remember it maybe because I live a double life and I'm not ready to give my full time to the org.

 

Back then I was happy because everyone in the org treated me well but its a different treatment if your not yet baptised so I am envy to those some young lady's that I can see them so happy when they are in a group corrum while myself is in the corner very behave and silent, my mom also want me to be baptised as she is devoted to jw org. So when I graduated in college I had to be out of my comfort zone, I didn't know that my mother don't want me to be far from her sight but I insist to go other places but before I went to other place my mom ask me if I had alrdy talk to the elder that I wanted to go cebu to look for a job and I said its not important anymore why they need to know its my life and its my decision but the main reason why you had to inform the elder is that your report card needs to be transfer which place you will be staying so that's all it started , I feel annoyed every time my mom called me in my phone because what's important to her is that I can give a report of my time in the field preaching even if I am not really going out to preach.

 

She said so that my status can be maintained and I will not be considered in active. So I still annoyed some of the friends I know in my congregation if they will text or chat me they want only know if I was going to the meeting or preaching . so I can sense like they still controlling me even I'm away from their site. I can't live of my own decision what I want in life. So after that I just let it pass though I am busy with my work. So after few months I went back to my home town and apply a new job and glad I was hired and i was assigned 200+ km away from my home town. So when I had that nice job I have a time to relax and surf in the internet , Facebook ,YouTube . it happend that I found this page in the Facebook the exjw group , etc so many pages that are exjw . so I joined it and follow and read all the post there. That's what started me to stand myself that I am not alone of this kind of problm that I face now.

 

So after all the research ,reading the experiences of the exjw I can connect to their emotion of what they feel and what they had through on their lives living as jw. I started to fade, but still some elders and members in my Cong contacting me and they want me to go back to the meeting. So my deppresion has started in fact how many times I want to commit suicide because I am thinking so many things like I want my freedom why they still controlling me. And aslo it triggered to my sadness is my mother, I know how devoted she is in the org. I love her so much. I don't want her to get hurt , every time she's talking to me I can see the sadness in her eyes, she is so worried to me because of the teaching of the org that's alrdy penetrated in her brain and heart she's thinking I won't be saved when the judgement will come or the armagedon . Back to the flaws that I discovered in the jw org as what other exjw telling their stories in the page are all true.

 

Every individual that want to escape in the org is experiencing difficulties to adopt the real world like what I am going through now. So last early 2017 the elder talk to me even if how many times I hide from them they still had the chance to talk to me because of my mother told them where I was exactly. So then I had no choice but to talk to them sincerely. I told them that I want to dissaciate in the org. I don't want to be part of it anymore, I humbly ask them to respect my decision as individual. I didn't told them what are the bad things that I have found in the org through the internet. Months pass by my mother still encouraging me to attend the meeting ,some sister would invite me to attend the meeting. Until recently this month of January I was announced as DF according to my mother .

 

I can see her eyes she's crying and sad of my decision . I didn't know that she didn't understand of my moves that I don't like to attend anymore. I also told her before that I found some false teaching but she didn't listen to it. I don't like to argue to my mother so I just remain silent and act like as nothing happened. I only pray that I hope she can accept the fact that this is my life I want to have my own decision in life that don't need to control with those elders . By the way since I am born in the org. I never experienced celebrating my birthday, Christmas and other holidays.

Even now that I been out in the org I'm having difficulties to connect the real world. That's why communicating with ex-jw member help me and also each other to slowly accept the real life outside the org.
 

I forgot, right now when they alrdy announced that i am DFd , they started to shun me. Some friends i know are alrdy keep their distance on me. Even my own jw relatives. Well I alrdy accepted that it will happened . Life must go on. I slowly accepted my life outside the org. Big celebration like Christmas ,birthday I still can't go with it ,I don't have yet an emotion on it, I can't still connect why other people are so happy celebrating Christmas and their birthdays.

 

I didn't forget our creator , I still pray to Jesus Christ and always saying that my life is came from him and also I am safe everyday and my family and to all people."